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What did YOU think it would be?
A review of Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires
by Rich Bruso
December 2002


People have asked me if I make up the movies I review. Unlike the producers of The Animal, I have never stooped to making up things for the sake of a review, and until this month I've had solid proof of every movie's existence in the form of IMDB. I heartily recommend that everyone visit www.imdb.com, as it is, without a doubt, the finest source of movie information on the Internet. Everything you could ever want to know about any movie ever produced is available from their hallowed web pages. Every movie, that is, except this month's feature. Curious.

As expected, there is a story behind my discovery of this movie's existence. Recently, a former coworker of mine moved from the sunny deserts of Southern Arizona to the Pacific Northwest. I still do not think she has actually seen the sun since the move, but that's beside the point. She shares an office with a woman who has seen some truly terrible movies, so naturally my name came up. In an email, this ex-coworker explained that her office mate had the theme song from Nudist Colony of the Dead stuck in her head. This piqued my interest. I have never seen a comedy/horror movie with a catchy theme song.

As expected, I dragged Doug and Phil out to the IMDB site. There it was, a comedy/horror/musical, heavy on the music and comedy, light on the horror and nudists. And, as is often the case, there was a link directly to Amazon.com to buy this fine feature. You will be hearing more about "Nudist Colony" in the near future, assuming I am not banned from writing reviews after this month.

Amazon has an innovative selling feature where they let you know other movies you might be interested in, based on previous buyers' experiences. Right there at the top of the list was a movie titled Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires - The Curse of Ed Wood. Wow, it had everything a bad movie should: Vampires, sexual innuendo (okay, maybe a bit more overt than innuendo), and an Ed Wood reference. How could we possibly lose? Read on to find out.

Doug was nice enough to purchase both of these movies. This was sometime around the October 15th, 2002. The movies finally arrived on November 5th, 2002, not bad considering they were originally scheduled to arrive in mid-November. Amy, Doug, Phil, and I sat down to watch this movie the very next day. We ate first deciding this probably wouldn't be a dinner movie. A yellow photocopied sheet fell out of the case as it was opened. Hmm, it seems the producers of this movie made a few others, probably in direct violation of a restraining order or two. The actual tape looks like it has been around the block a few times, and the label appears to have been attached with Elmer's glue. Undaunted, we go ahead and slide it into the VCR. That poor VCR.

After a second of static, we see a man walking down a street in front of some stores. A VCR on-screen menu then appears, and the scene cuts to the standard FBI warning, which, judging by its quality, was stolen off of someone else's movie. I have to note here that the on-screen menu wasn't mine. It appears this movie was duplicated off of the master using two VCRs in someone's home. Even stranger, the date was 10/16/2002. Wow, talk about Just-in-Time product creation. No money was wasted on storage of unused copies of this film.

The introduction leads us through the legend behind the producer, Mr. Creepo. Okay, maybe legend is a bit much. According to the voiceover, he was the spawn of "...a human woman and a demon from hell." Talk about religious differences. A word of advice: Never watch, buy, rent, or acknowledge the existence of any product even remotely connected to Mr. Creepo. Trust me, it's not worth it.

In the first actual scene of the movie, Mr. Creepo walks in to a cemetery. Judging by the light, it's around noon, but you have to admit that cameras able to film in the dark are much more expensive than your mom's camcorder. It appears he is trying to call upon the spirit of the late Ed Wood, claimed to be our producer's great uncle. Doug noted that he looks more like Ron Jeremy's kid brother. At one point, I swear he uses the phrase "darkest craploads", though it might have been backroads. A woman appears, asking "Do you know how many people are dead here?" Turns out the answer, predictably, is "All of them", leaving the viewer to wonder if they can survive another 80 minutes of this.

We cut to a series of shots of a stop light, a cityscape, people walking down a street, a neon open sign, a large yellow flashing construction arrow, more people, several more buildings, the flashing arrow again, a no parking sign, the same group of people as the first shot, the stop light, etc. At this point I should mention that the actual core story was probably only 20 minutes long. The Mr. Creepo scenes look like they were shot at a different time, then tacked on along with a half hour's worth of stock footage of people, signs, cityscapes, etc. True, this is what Ed Wood often did, but at least he used decent quality stock footage. Oh, and for mood they cut in a few scenes of a church and a full moon with some clouds.

Okay, the first scene of the movie. Two women, one fully clothed, the other topless, are not quite kissing on the floor. They not quite touch each other and not quite do anything at all. And did I mention they look to be in their late 20's? Seems the title should have been "Barely Lesbian Legal Vampires." We all agree the shot would have been better if they had just sat quietly and watched TV. One woman looks a bit like the kid from Cher's movie "Mask", and the other looks worse. We are treated to the producer's access to a UV lens, some slow motion film, and what appears to be a gargoyle/cat hybrid watching from the window. I guess this was supposed to be a bat. Just under 11 minutes into the movie, Doug says, "At least we only have 75 minutes to go."

So, the girls get into a bit of a fight and decide to break up. No great loss. Our big-faced star wanders around a city park for which the producers likely did not get the proper film permits. Sitting on the bench, crying, she is approached by a woman in black with the largest non-Leno chin I have ever seen. I swear, this thing stuck out farther than her nose. Her name is Carmela, and she talks in the third person at all times.

Carmela lures the innocent girl back to her church/dungeon/house/poorly-decorated sound stage, where we are treated to another scene of non-nude women rolling around on the floor. I guess the beds just aren't comfortable in that town. This scene is cut with about a dozen scenes of random cast members, each taking turns wearing the one set of vampire fangs and snarling. Carmela turns out to be a vampire, though she doesn't bite necks as per tradition. Instead, her target is about four inches above the navel. It doesn't seem like you would be able to get a good bite there, but it works for her. Actually, the entire scene looked more like video of a psychic surgeon at work.

We are only 25 minutes into the movie, and already the producers are flashing back to earlier scenes in the movie. We then go back to Mr. Creepo's attempt to summon Ed Wood. He makes a connection, talks for a little bit, then asks for advice. Several saws drop from the sky and Mr. Wood says "Cut the cast in half." Cut to the same stock footage from the beginning of the movie, then cut to a good two minutes of a phone ringing for no good reason.

Okay, new character. We have seen her snooping around, but now she is introduced as Muffy the Vampire Slayer. Over a background montage of royalty-free vampire images, Muffy gives the obligatory recitation of vampire history, though it appears she is reading from some other movie's subtitles. We now move on to another movie entirely starring a guy in an ill-fitting latex mask and a woman in leather and chain mail whipping a girl they keep in a cage. No, this has nothing to do with the main plot. More padding, I guess.

At this point in my notes I seem to have written, "Please make it end." Phil pleads with the movie to cut back to those relaxing street scenes with the flashing yellow arrow. Doug has now learned a horrible lesson about not buying movies based solely on their titles. Phil notes that there are only 47 minutes left, but I point out the four minutes of nothing at the beginning, meaning we still have 51 minutes to go. Everyone groans loudly. The general consensus is that the movie would have been much better if it were animated.

Cut back to Muffy trying to track down Carmela. A vampire/hooker asks if she wants a date, to which Muffy replies, "Sure, I'll take you out for a stake dinner." This is followed by the most unrealistic vampire-staking scene ever. To the background sounds of someone shaking a Rice Krispies box near the microphone, or perhaps audio of Steve Martin making coffee in "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid", we see a shot of the staked vampire screaming overlaid with video of some fire. We hope the fire spreads to the rest of the film, but we don't have that kind of luck.

Back to Carmela and some guy wearing a shirt with a Levi's logo, only with the "Levi's" replaced with the word "Evil." This definitely isn't a lesbian scene, as he's a guy. Again, they remain clothed until Carmela begins to chew on his navel. Doug pipes in with the comment, "I thought vampires bit you in the neck, but it turns out these ones suck ass!" Laughter drowns out a bit of the movie, leaving us with a Martha Stewart clone luring a jogger into the cemetery. Seems she's a vampire and was looking for a date for Carmela's big party. The party is, of course, BYOB (Bring Your Own Blood).

It is time for the final Vampire versus Slayer fight. Muffy has a bottle of carbonated holy water she sprinkles around. It turns out even vampires get read their Miranda rights. Luckily, no actors were used in the filming of this movie. And now more of those horrible flame effects. We are treated to a surprise twist ending where Muffy gets turned and then the credits start. In Jackie Chan-style, the credits are run along with outtakes from the filming of the movie, which are much, much better than the movie was. At 68 minutes, the credits end. Seems the 85 minutes listed on the movie box was a bit optimistic, though those 68 minutes felt more like four hours. The movie stops and the cable takes over, treating us to an episode of "Courage the Cowardly Dog." What a relief to see something merely bad.

Based on what Doug paid for this movie, it looks like only two other people actually had to purchase it to make back the money the producers put into it. It was an expensive lesson, more in scarred memories than money, but I have learned that I will never again watch a movie that the good folks at IMDB do not bother to acknowledge. I would like to propose a nuclear strike on Mr. Creepo and his associates, or maybe a constitutional amendment specifically prohibiting his operations in this country.


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