Domo Avocado, Mister Roboto
by Rich Bruso
Well, Thanksgiving is almost upon us again. Time to loosen the belt, belly up to the table, and overindulge in the finest of foods. With that in mind, I set out to find the perfect holiday feast for this year. As you may recall, last year's Thanksgiving movie featured cannibalism, though it never answered the age old question: Which vegetables are appropriate as side dishes for human flesh?
So, I searched and searched, trying to find a movie that touched on this important issue. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your tastes) I discovered that avocado products fit the bill nicely, as is pointed out in this month's feature, Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death. In addition to its food themes, this movie also discusses women's rights, and features the worst fencing scene ever.
Okay, here's the basis of the movie. The Avocado Jungle is located directly east of Bakersfield, California. In addition to its 6.022X1023 trees, it is home to leopards, alligators, and the Piranha Women, a fierce tribe of primitive feminists that eat any man foolish enough to penetrate the dense foliage around their temple.
It is also the only non-communist source for avocados, which is of major concern to the United States military. There is even a Department of Avocado Affairs, dedicated to ensuring U.S. supremacy in the fierce international avocado trade wars. The Piranha Women have been acting up recently, seriously threatening avocado yields, and leading to an "Avocado Gap" between the free world and pro-Communist avocado states such as El Salvador. Obviously, these fierce women must be transplanted, preferably to a nice reservation in Malibu.
Enter Shannon Tweed, former Playboy Playmate of the Year. As a Professor of Women's Studies at a nearby university, she is called upon by the government to enter the Avocado Jungle as a mol and infiltrate the ranks of the dreaded Piranha Women, thereby convincing them to relocate, which would improve avocado yields, provide a surplus of guacamole, and thoroughly squash the Communist threat in the gooey, yummy green stuff.
For the dangerous trek into the uncharted wastes along Interstate 10, she enlists the aid of Bunny, a clueless coed who manages to change clothes for each and every scene, and the male chauvinist Jim, a jungle guide who has almost made it through the book, How to Survive the Avocado Jungle. They set out in a Jeep, somehow managing to take several wrong turns before they make the outer fringes of the jungle. At this point, they leave the Jeep behind, even though it could have easily navigated the quite wide, smooth trails in the jungle. No mention is made as to how Bunny could possible carry all her spare clothes.
As is often the case, they become immediately and hopelessly lost, but they do make contact with a reclusive village of men. These men survive by being subservient to the dominant Piranha Women, doing their cooking, cleaning, and sewing. They also crochet quite lovely potholders. This disgusts Jim, who uses beer to help them see what it truly means to be a Man.
Eventually, the plot meanders towards the center of the jungle, where our intrepid band is captured by the Piranha Women. They are led before the head priestess, another Professor of Women's Studies who has "gone native." At this point the movie gets downright silly. It turns out there is an avocado surplus. The Government was planning on relocating the vicious all-woman tribe to Malibu, where they would be put up in condos and force-fed Cosmopolitan magazines and Mary Kay cosmetics until they became the submissive women the macho Government prefers.
Then we find out the high priestess is really writing a book, and is inciting the Piranha Women to open revolt to help boost sales. THEN we find out that there is a rival sect, the Barracuda Women, who split from the Piranha Women years ago over some difference of opinion on the right sauce to serve with roasted man. They also wear a completely different color of loincloth.
Finally, in an effort to wrap the movie up, Tweed's character challenges the high priestess to a duel. To start, they take halfhearted swings at each other with long axes before the producers decide this is too dangerous, at which time they switch to just rubbing the axes together. Apparently, the axes prove to be too heavy, so they toss them aside and pull out fencing foils, easily the most menacing weapon that can also be used to roast weenies over a fire.
Rubbing the foils together proves too boring, so each launches into monologues about the pros and cons to militant feminism, accompanied by poorly dubbed sound effects of two foils rubbing together. Eventually, the priestess grows bored with the fight and walks, quite slowly, into Tweed's sword. The good guys are safe, the Piranha Women and the Barracuda Women join up again, the meek jungle men become Women's Studies majors at Tweed's school, and Bunny and Jim live happily ever after.
On a side note, the DVD menu has an option entitled "Avocados". When pressed, it slowly fills the screen up with pictures of avocados. Strangely, this is more entertaining than the "Play Movie" option.
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