Movies The “Experts” Dare Not Review
A review of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
by Rich Bruso
Some movies require a particular mood of their audiences, usually referred to as "suspension of disbelief." Without getting into the proper mood, viewers are unlikely to genuinely enjoy the experience. These are the people that didn't like the new Spider-man movie because it was too much like a comic book. Well, it turns out the correct mood for this month's movie takes a bit to obtain. Please note that these instructions are for adults over 21. I don't recommend anyone younger than this actually watch the movie as it will probably destroy their morals, leading to a life of crime, debauchery, and endless hours sitting facing a corner, drooling, and shouting, "Why me!?"
Step one: Obtain the movie Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. This alone requires an iron will and a partial lobotomy. Step two: Tell your friends how awful this movie is and promise to invite them over. Step three: Over the course of two hours, have each viewer drink two beers of their choice, followed by a shot of a clear liquid picked out by Doug. Step four: Stick the wretched movie from Step one into a movie-playing device. Step five: Spend the rest of your life trying to forget ever watching the wretched movie from Step one.
The final step is actually the most difficult, and is eased by properly applying Step three. Only one person in our group neglected Step three. His name is Steve, and if you should ever meet him you will definitely notice the lingering effects of this movie. Pity him, and perhaps give him some spare change.
Also important for a good viewing experience are proper snacks. I can say, without a doubt and with no product sponsorship deals in the works at all, the snack to have while watching any movie is anything other than Dorito's Ranchero chips. These are the most awful things I have ever put in my mouth, and I used to work in an auto shop. One viewer remarked that he would rather watch this month's movie again than ever eat just one of these chips.
Okay, now for a plot overview. Tonight is initiation night for a local sorority, and three college guys decide to spy on the festivities. They are caught, and are forced to accompany the two initiates into a bowling alley to steal a trophy. Unfortunately, for the past thirty years the trophy has housed a bad natured, poorly dubbed, and apparently legless rubber puppet shaped like an imp. He grants wishes to each of our unfortunate students, which, predictably, turn against the wisher.
I apparently was talked into actually taking notes for this movie. I say this because I'm sitting in front of a computer typing this while wondering over some poorly handwritten phrases on a piece of stained paper. It seems that the movie carried the message that you should say no to drugs, imps, burning zombies, sororities, cigarettes, and something else containing the letter "P". My notes are particularly sloppy and stained at this point.
The most memorable character in the movie is the bowling alley's janitor. It looks like the producers wanted Kris Kristofferson but settled for the guy drinking Wild Turkey behind the local 7-11. For comic relief, this poor janitor keeps getting locked in a closet. He keeps mumbling things about particular body parts belonging to donkeys, how he loves his job, and various other janitor-related rantings.
Our unfortunate students break in, meet a woman trying to open a cash register with a crowbar, and manage to knock the top off of the trophy. At this point the mutant Muppet makes an appearance. Seems strange, doesn't it? This imp can grant wishes, but all it takes is a cheap bowling trophy with a lid to keep him cooped up for thirty years.
The wishes lead to some disturbing scenes, so I'll follow my usual procedure and skip to the highlights. The lack of a budget leads to low lighting, possibly so the police wouldn't notice the actors actually had to break into a bowling alley with a camera. The imp, sounding a bit like Mr. T trying to impersonate a Cajun accent, keeps making references to King Solomon for some reason. According to the end credits, someone named "Dukey Flyswatter" played the imp's voice. For some reason, this was far funnier than any of the lines the imp actually said.
The sorority babes get turned into a special breed of highly flammable but fortunately self-extinguishing zombies with hairstyles resembling a cross between the Bride of Frankenstein and one of the members of Kid 'n Play. Mercifully, their attempt to relieve one of the guys of his clothing takes longer than a game of strip poker with a shoplifter.
Apparently, the special effects budget was wiped out early by a dry ice smoke machine and the flammable zombie scene, so they couldn't afford any fake blood or gore for the later scenes. What they could afford was more darkness, so it is heaped onto the movie by the shovel load, so much so that several scenes appear to have been shot with the lens cap on the camera.
The movie ends with a highly dramatic scene where the thief with the crowbar manages to slam a popcorn tin over the imp. She and the sole surviving peeping tom ride off into the sunrise on a motorcycle, leaving the audience wondering why they wasted ninety minutes of their life on this piece of trash.
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