Area Man Rejected By Internet Dating Service
by Doug Miller
July 2003

Huachuca City, AZ – Area computer programmer Doug Miller reached a new level of depression Monday when he was rejected by the Internet dating service.

Miller, 38, was encouraged by a coworker to try the service. “I just get so sick of listening to him whine about never having any dates,” said Kim Youngblood, the friend who set him up for failure, “Even though he’s made some truly awful decisions in the past I thought even he could handle signing up for an online dating service.”

“Plus it would keep him away from my daughter,” Youngblood added.

After spending an agonizing ninety minutes filling out the four hundred-question personality profile Miller anxiously clicked to see how many matches he would get. To his dismay he was sent to a page informing him “ uses a complex matching system developed through extensive testing of thousands of happily married individuals. One of the requirements for it to work successfully is for participants to fall into one of twenty-nine rigorously defined ‘profiles.’ Unfortunately, you do not fit within any profile.”

“I mean, they wouldn’t even take my credit card number or anything,” a visibly distraught Miller said. “Whoever heard of an Internet company that refused to take your credit card?”

“Miller’s case is not typical of our experience here,” said Dr Connor Spellman, supervisory psychologist for “Looking over the answers he provided on his profile it becomes obvious that this is a man who doesn’t know who he is, what he wants, or where he’s going.” Spellman pointed out how early in the profile Miller described his intelligence as “Superior” but later admitted to lending his debit card to a girlfriend, cosigning a loan for another, and cruising for single women in the produce section of the supermarket. “While he is obviously lying about his intelligence, some of his later responses are downright frightening,” Spellman added. “Look here where he admits that he ‘kinda likes’ the numb feeling that accompanies riding on a firm bicycle seat for too long. No, we can’t help him.”

“No freaking way,” Spellman went on to add.

In his frantic quest for validation Miller asked several of his friends and coworkers to fill out the profile hoping that they would also be rejected. Three of them did and they were all accepted.

Phil Palosaari, another of Miller’s coworkers, breezed through the questionnaire in a mere thirty minutes before being accepted. “I don’t know why he doesn’t just give up,” Palosaari said. “He’s been burned so many times you think he’d get the hint. Now he has scientific proof that he’s simply not the kind of person that will ever be in a successful long-term relationship and he still refuses to accept it.”

At a recent Happy Hour while Miller was at the bar spouting incoherent pickup lines to emotionally distant women his friends discussed his lack of judgment. “Do you remember that time he picked up that homeless girl at a party and let her move in the next day?” asked Rich Bruso, one of Miller’s happily married friends. “What was he thinking?” “Wasn’t she the one he cosigned the car loan for?” asked Palosaari. “Yeah,” replied Bruso. “And then she wrecked it and he cosigned for a second car that was repossessed after she dumped him. He didn’t find out until two months later when the repo company demanded more money than the car was worth for storing it for so long. What an idiot!”

“Miller’s behavior is difficult to comprehend,” said Spellman. “When he’s between girlfriends he feels the crushing weight of isolation which causes him to pursue even the unhealthiest of relationships. He immediately rushes to intimacy, which in his sick, sad mind is a substitute for love. Inevitably the situation degrades into an intolerable existence for all parties involved yet Miller’s irrational fear of abandonment causes him to cling to even the tiniest strands of hope. Even though family, friends, and coworkers have pointed out this cycle of self-destructive behavior to him, he refuses to learn from his mistakes. It’s baffling.”

“I know my soul mate is out there,” Miller said, using a term that he obviously doesn’t understand but must have read in a self-help book. “One day I will find true love.”

“Doug wouldn’t know love if she had him dressed as a clown, oiled up, chained to a chair, and was cleaning his teeth with her tongue,” Palosaari added.

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