Editor's Note: Pamela Miller is member of Greater Phoenix Mensa and a regular contributor to their newsletter, Much Ado About Mensa (a.k.a. the MAAM). After making the mistake of asking to see some of our old newsletters she sent me an e-mail stating, “On Saturday night, after having read every Borderline newsletter since 1996, I was given an idea.” You can read more of Pamela’s writing online at http://www.adelicateflower.com.


Write Your Own Doug Miller Story
By Pamela Miller ©2004

1) Day of the week:
  1. Monday
  2. Tuesday
  3. Wednesday
  4. Thursday
  5. Friday
  6. Saturday
  7. Sunday
2) Bad Decision
  1. Yes
  2. No
3) Think Again

4) Use of a Yoda Quote to guide action
  1. "Always two there are, a master and an apprentice."
  2. "Lost a planet, Obi Wan has...hmm hee hee!!!"
  3. "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try."
  4. "Beware of the dark side. Anger...fear...aggression. The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight."
  5. "Concentrate...feel the Force flow. Yes. Good. Calm, yes. Through the Force, things you will see. Other places. The future...the past. Old friends long gone."
  6. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
  7. "Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future."
  8. "Already know you that which you need"
  9. "Size matters not! Judge me by my size, do you?"
  10. "You must unlearn what you have learned." "Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will..."
  11. "A Jedi's strength flows from the Force."
5) Lunch
  1. Camel Menthol Cigarettes
  2. Something cooked in the back of a migrant worker's vehicle, sold in the Safeway parking lot
  3. Slim Jim
  4. Larvitos (baby tequila worms baked -not fried- to a satisfying crunchiness)
  5. Diet Coke
  6. Chicken Strips from Popeyes
  7. Snack chips
  8. Carnival Food
  9. Faygo
6) Companions
  1. Phil (If Phil unavailable, choose...)
  2. Rich (If Rich unavailable, choose...)
  3. Blonde Mike (If Blonde Mike unavailable, choose...)
  4. Steve (If Steve unavailable, choose...)
  5. Brothers of Doug (If Brothers of Doug unavailable, choose...)
  6. Drunken call/ e-mail to Pamela
7) Women in his life
  1. Topless lesbians (one with a badly infected finger that turned out not to be gangrene)
  2. Inappropriate church fix-up
  3. Inappropriate co-worker fix-up
  4. Ex-girlfriend(s)
  5. Fantasy Women
    1. Klingon Woman in Las Vegas
    2. Ferengi
    3. Nameless Porn Star/ Unknown Genre
    4. Pamela writing a story about him (the writing part is the fantasy, nothing else)
8) Alcohol
  1. Beer
  2. Stout
  3. Klingon Wine
  4. Vodka
  5. Tanqueray
  6. Tequila
  7. Cadillac
  8. Romulan Ale
  9. Captain Morgan's Rum
  10. Stoli Vanilla
  11. Twisted Lime
  12. Beer Float
  13. Bloody Mary
9) Series of Unfortunate Events
  1. Bicycle accident
  2. Car breaks down due to chocolate pudding
  3. Passing out while giving blood
  4. Blacking out at a STAR WARS viewing
  5. Blind date
  6. Allowing topless lesbians to take over his home
  7. Car broken into/impounded
  8. Decision to skip the entire 10th Grade
  9. Decision to chase a possum
  10. Decision to move in with someone
  11. Drinking too much
  12. Spending his whole salary at Happy Hours, dance clubs, bars, restaurants
10) Result
  1. Skinned knee
  2. Need to use smoke-free cars; Calling Rich for help
  3. No longer able to donate blood
  4. Ambulance called; management feared for his life
  5. Hopelessly awkward evening
  6. Loss of privacy
  7. Wasted day
  8. Enrollment in Alternative School--which turned out for the best
  9. Another woodland creature related injury
  10. Loss of home, beer bottle collection, and porn
  11. Dancing with Naomi's purse for no apparent reason
  12. Doug's face in Pamela's cleavage
  13. Waking up in a strange place
  14. Price of alcohol raised in Sierra Vista
  15. Broke
11) Denouement
  1. Nothing learned and has survived to tell the tale
  2. If drunk then screw up, else drink more
  3. Blames the possum for him injuries when he shouldn't have tried to attack a possum
  4. Out of cigarettes, alcohol
  5. Complains that Pamela is more prolific even though her life isn't nearly as chaotic and thus less interesting
  6. Voted Loc Sec. Appointed as webmaster, newsletter editor, and RG chair.

Copyright © 2004 by Pamela Miller


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